Conscious communication is a way of talking and listening that is focused on nurturing strong, mutually enriching relationships.
Since most relationship problems are rooted in communications that are either avoided, forced or misinterpreted, the purpose is to provide an emotional experience that allows each person to feel safe enough to grow a quality relationship in which the emotional needs (not wants?) of each person are valued and met through natural giving.
To give naturally means to give consciously from a place of love or joy, rather than fear or guilt or shame.?Though expressed in a wide range of emotions and varying intensities, from the perspective of the body?s autonomic nervous system, love and fear are the two primary emotion signals or feeling-physiological states of the body. All emotions are rooted in either love- or fear-based feelings.
Your body-talk and actions speak volumes, carrying up to 80% of the meaning conveyed.
When you communicate consciously you employ your inner capacity to express your love in ways that stretch you, particularly when you may not ?feel? like doing so. You choose to do so because it?s how you heal and grow and strengthen your relationship; it?s also how you stretch your capacity to authentically love your self and another. In conscious communication, your relationship takes center stage. Your individual wants and needs remain important, however, you realize that your key relationships are food sources that nourish you as individuals to grow and self-actualize (and surprisingly your growth depends on your part, how you relation ? not the other).
And since the ingredients that strengthen your relationship have to do with the feeling states that you, consciously or subconsciously, energize in yourself and the other ? nothing is more important to your relationship than?how you treat your self and?the other in the moment.?
Setting a?conscious?intention refers to a choice you have at any moment to send messages to your self or others that the body (subconscious mind) translates to love (rather than fear), and does so automatically by?what?you think or say, and especially?how?you say it. It?s important to recognize nonverbal communication as a formidable force, carrying a larger punch than verbal.
8 Attributes of Conscious-Talking?
Communication that is effective consciously seeks to nurture, heal and grow healthy, mutually enriching, intimately strong relationships. In conscious-talking, you consciously seek to structure your communication in a way that will make it most likely heard, understood by the other. This way of talking consists of the following attributes, in which you:
1. Know what you need and want to say, and why.
Knowing what you want to say, and why, makes it more likely you will obtain the shared understanding and perhaps even resolution you desire. Without this, there is a risk of wasting your time getting stuck in old programs, i.e., complaining about what is lacking, blaming one another, or competing for the prize of ?who?s more victimized,? ?etc. Clarity allows you to avoid going around in circles, getting addicted to problems or unresolved conflicts, another waste of time.?So, before you set a time to sit down and talk, ask yourself the following questions: What do you need in the situation? What specific actions do you want from the other? What is the purpose of your communication? What understanding of your thoughts, feelings, etc., do you want to share? How do you want the other to respond to your communication? Whenever possible, especially for sensitive issues, take some time to first write down what you want to say and revise it based on these and other guidelines in this article.
2. Are aware of your body language and behaviors.
Your body conveys more information about you, and your intentions, than your words. One of the goals in conscious communication is to use your body language, in a conscious way, to let the other know you care and value them as persons. If you avoid eye contact, or turn your body away from the other, for example, this can signal disinterest or disregard in the other. This blocks communication. If you want communication to flow, you want to convey that you value the other, honor their ability to think and make choices, and so on. This increases the chances that they will do the same for you, thus, opening up the possibility for mutual understanding, validation and resolution. So, take time to become aware of body language. What nonverbal messages does your body send by the way you sit, stand, your voice, mannerisms, facial gestures and so on? Does your body say you are present or interested in the concerns of the other, or does it say the opposite? Does your communication or presence say you care about them as a person?
3. ?Share your thoughts and feelings, clearly.
Once you know what you want to say, then you want to convey it as clearly as possible. The clearer you are in what you want to say and how you express it, the more likely you will heard or understood. Share thoughts and feelings concisely. Avoid long explanations or repeating the same message over again. Speak in short sentences. Be specific and concrete.?Make requests.?Include brief examples only when relevant. Avoid mini lectures or lengthy speeches.?Avoid being vague or too abstract. Do not hint at what you want or expect the other to mind read, and be aware of any old tendency to do so.?Effective communication is about feeling heard and understood, not how much you say.
4. Express your thoughts and feelings, slowly.
When it comes to relationships, slow is fast, and fast is slow. This applies to your communications as well. When you talk fast, your words tend to blurt out faster than your mind can think. You may also be speaking faster than the other?s mind can think or process. When you hurry your talking, you hurry your thinking, and indeed may not be thinking at all, you may be speaking from the part of the brain (the subconscious mind!) that contains old recorded programs that seem to be ?thinking? yet are not. The more hurried you feel the less awareness you have of what is really going on inside you, that is, your thoughts, feelings, needs. In turn, the less clarity, the slower it seems to take to reach your destination. Additionally, a pressured description risks triggering subconscious defensive strategies, toxic thinking patterns, which is about as healthy to your relationship, as gulping down a greasy, starchy meal is to your body.
5. Share painful emotions assertively.
Communicate your frustrations in ways that let the other know you are in charge of your emotions, that you are relatively calm, confident and centered. This sends a twofold message to other. First, it tells them you are in charge of your self, your emotional states and body?s physiology, and not what they say or do.?Assertive communications include four essential parts: (1) your thoughts or perspective; (2) your feelings; (3) your core needs or emotion-drives; and (4) at least one specific action-request.?(This means you also avoid actions that trigger you, i.e., judging, fault-finding, blaming, attacking, complaining, etc.) Second, it also tells them you believe in their capacity to do the same, to be in charge of their emotions and actions. When you express yourself assertively, you stand up for yourself in a way that honors your own and the other?s dignity. That is a powerful feel good. You each have a clear sense of your own responsibility in the matter. You feel safe enough to accept and thoughtfully process criticism from others without defensiveness. And, you know how and when to give apologies.
6. Are conscious of timing.
Timing can make a big difference. It can be just as important as how and what you say. For example, it is usually not a good idea to bring up sensitive issues right before a meal when blood sugar is low, or just before you or the other leave for work, or when one of you is not having a good day. It is also not a good idea to bring up issues in the heat of the moment, when you are angry and hurt. Instead, the act of scheduling a good time itself can be an important way to set the stage for a productive discussion.
7. Are aware of meanings beneath what you communicate.
Your communications send both open and hidden messages. The open part consists of the words and content of what you say. The hidden part is what goes on beneath the words?the emotional undercurrent of what each person is instinctively yearning for in the interaction. What words you use and how you say them can carry emotional meanings that you may or may not want to send. It is important to become aware of these underlying meanings and the core emotional needs that interplay in all communications. Underlying messages can be either positive or negative.
These emotions are more powerful than the overt message because they go directly to the subconscious part of the brain that does all of the interpretations.
8. Keep the message positive and upbeat.
Maintain an upbeat overall attitude at critical moments in the communication to give assurance, and instill hope, belief in each other and your relationship. You can convey a positive attitude by making statements, such as ?We can and will do better,? ?We are a team,? ?We each have our part, and together we?re unbeatable,? ?there?s no problem too big it can?t be solved,? ?I believe in you, believe in me; we can do this!?
As a tool, conscious communication guides the energies we bring to our communications, so that, as we talk or listen, we remain consciously aware of what is going on inside of us, our feelings, thoughts, what we want and need, etc., in ways that keep us empathically connected and fully present, rather than triggered, thus disconnected and defensive. ?When we feel safe enough to be present, we are more likely express ourself authentically, and thus more likely to be listened to, validated and valued in turn.?It?s an understanding that love and safety are inseparable experiences to our brains and bodies. When we feel loved or loving, we feel safe; and when we feel safe, we feel loved or loving.
Clear communication is an inner driven focus to grow strong, mutually enriching relationships. Like giving and receiving, the effects of how you talk are inseparable from how you listen. They are intricately connected. You are not likely to reach and open the heart of a person you most care about by becoming solely proficient in the 8 attributes of conscious-talking.
In Part 2, we discuss 5 attributes of conscious-listening.
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Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love?: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com, or visit on her Facebook fan page DrAthenaStaik
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????Last reviewed: 21 Feb 2013
APA Reference
Staik, A. (2013). Conscious Communication, 1 of 2: Eight Attributes of Conscious-Talking. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 21, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2013/02/conscious-communication-1-of-2-eight-attributes-of-conscious-talking/
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Source: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2013/02/conscious-communication-1-of-2-eight-attributes-of-conscious-talking/
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